Was I Clumsy or Just Drunk?
Why were my legs always covered in bruises?
When I was in my twenties, I was a clumsy guy.
I used to bump into things all the time. I’d stub my toes against the wall, scrape my arms as I walked through doors, and more than anything, ram my shin into furniture again and again.
In those days, my legs were absolutely covered in bruises. I couldn’t even keep track of them all, and I rarely remembered what had caused them.
I had so many bruises that it got a little gross. My skin was a patchwork of yellow, black, and blue stains. To make matters worse, I was always slow to heal, and the bruises would stick around forever.
I used to joke around about what a klutz I could be. I didn’t like that I was always hurting myself, but I thought that was just the way I was. It never occurred to me that there could be a reason for my extreme clumsiness or that there could be a solution.
The real reason behind my klutziness was my drinking habit. I was an alcoholic, getting drunk every day. When I got drunk, I’d stumble around and had worse control over my limbs. As I stumbled around, I’d bump into walls and furniture and get bruises.
There was no great mystery to any of this. Everyone knows that when people get drunk their coordination goes out the window. But, it wasn’t until I quit drinking that I was able to piece this together.
After I stopped drinking, my bruises became far less frequent. I didn’t notice at first, because I was distracted by sobriety’s more obvious changes—weight loss, mood swings, and insomnia, for example.
If I remember correctly, it took a couple of years before I finally realized that I wasn’t getting bruised as often. Once I noticed, it was easy enough to put two and two together.
Drinking actually contributed to the bruises in a few different ways.
To begin with, my drinking habit had been weakening my control over my body, causing me to bump into things and form bruises.
In addition, alcohol actually causes us to bruise more easily, so even light bumps lead to discoloration.
Finally, the alcohol was slowing my healing process. I’d end up with tons of bruises at once because each one would take so long to disappear.
Now that I’m many years into my sobriety, these problems have disappeared.
I no longer bump into things at such an insane rate. I might stub a toe once a year, not once every week. I still get bruises, but they’re infrequent and normally the result of rock climbing. I never wake up with a new bruise that I can’t explain.
I thought my clumsiness was an innate trait, but now it’s clear that it was just the result of drinking.
The reason I’m writing about this today isn’t just to call attention to how alcohol leads to bruises. Sure, it’s a fact that’s worth noting, but what’s even more important is that it fits into a larger trend: I didn’t notice most of my addiction’s harms until after I got sober.
The other day, I was watching a college commencement speech that the late David Foster Wallace gave years ago. He told the graduating class a joke that I think applies perfectly to addiction:
“There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, ‘Morning, boys how’s the water?’
And the two young fish swim on for a bit. And then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, ‘What the hell is water?’”
All those young fish know is water, but since it’s all they know, they don’t even realize that they’re in it.
Similarly, when we’re stuck in our drinking habit, we can’t ever understand just how much of our lives are affected—and even governed—by our addiction.
It takes getting sober and seeing our habit from the outside before we can fully recognize the damage that it was causing.
I’ve been blogging about addiction for years now, and if I had a catchphrase, it might be, “In retrospect, it’s obvious.”
That line applies to so much of addiction. There are countless problems that felt impossibly confusing and difficult when I was a drinker that are now as clear as day.
If I had kept drinking, I’m not sure that I ever would have realized that the alcohol was leading to the bruises. I had to quit drinking just to put together what should have been the most obvious fact in the world.
Sometimes, when I was still a drinker, I’d try to convince myself that I didn’t really need to quit drinking. I’d tell myself that my life was fine despite the alcohol. I’d downplay the severity of my habit and its effects.
However, the reality is that my addiction was harming me in more ways than I ever realized.
I know that some of the people who read this newsletter are still drinking and maybe even on the fence about whether to quit. My advice is simply to keep in mind that you’ll never really know all of the benefits of sobriety until you get sober. Some of the changes will be things you expected, but I suspect that many will surprise you.
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