Making Friends Without Alcohol
Can you have a social life without booze?
One of my biggest fears about getting sober was that it would kill my social life.
I wrote about this in a previous newsletter, and as I said there, it was an ironic fear because my social life wasn’t so great during my drinking years either.
I worried that without alcohol, I wouldn’t be able to make any friends. However, with alcohol, I was so busy drinking that my friendships faded away. It was a lose-lose situation.
In that previous newsletter, I already described all of the ups and downs that my social life has gone through since getting sober. It’s been a rocky road but has gradually improved with time. You can read all the details in: “Has Sobriety Ruined My Social Life?”
In today’s newsletter, I want to revisit the topic but with a more practical focus: Exactly how have I made new friends since getting sober?
Let me start by saying that I’m no expert on this topic. The truth is that I’m not great at making friends, whether sober or drunk. But, I think that’s exactly why my advice can be extremely useful.
Since making new friends doesn’t come naturally to me, I’ve had to work at it. I’ve actively searched for ways to expand my social circle, and I’ve taken clear, actionable steps to meet new people. And, although it’s taken time and effort, it’s worked. I’ve made new friends over the years that I’ve been sober, and recently, my social life has been thriving.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles to make friends. I’ve seen countless articles about the loneliness epidemic, such as this recent blog post about a survey that discovered that one-quarter of the adults in the world feel lonely.
I hope that by sharing the steps I’ve taken to make friends while sober, I can help others who are still struggling to restore their social lives.
I’m a firm believer in the power of community. I’ve been sober for nearly seven years, and I know that I couldn’t possibly have lasted this long if I had done it all on my own.
Friendships and community are important for everyone, but they are all the more essential for those of us trying to overcome addictions. I think that anyone who is trying to remain sober needs to make friendships a priority.
This topic has been on my mind recently because just a few months ago, I moved to a brand new country. This is the first time in my entire life that I’ve moved to a city without knowing anyone there, and I was incredibly nervous about how it would go. In fact, I didn’t know anyone on this entire continent.
I came up with a plan of calling friends and family back home every day. However, I knew that it was also important for me to meet people here. I was terrified of slipping back into my old ways of isolation and loneliness because I knew that it could easily lead to a relapse.
In a nutshell, my solution was to make my social life my top priority. As soon as I got here, I started looking up various meetup groups.
I tried finding these meetups on Meetup.com, which is popular in the USA, but it was completely dead here. Instead, I ended up joining every Facebook and WhatsApp group that had anything to do with social interaction. (You can normally find these WhatsApp groups through Facebook or by asking around at meetups.)
During my first few weeks here, I attended every single meetup I could find. This was the key to meeting people quickly. Whether I was in the mood to go out or not, whether the meetup looked interesting or not, I just forced myself to go.
I went to a mix of local groups and expat groups. As much as I wanted to throw myself into the local culture, I have to admit that it was far, far easier to make friends in the expat groups.
In either case, sometimes, the meetups were flops. I’d spend the night feeling awkward and barely talking to anyone. More often, however, I’d have at least one or two good conversations and walk away with a couple of new potential friends.
These types of meetups, especially the expat groups, are wonderful for meeting new people because almost everyone there is also looking for new friends. The expat groups are also particularly good for finding sober activities because they are filled with people who are more interested in exploring the city than just sitting in a bar night after night.
Even if you’re not an expat, you can find similar groups in most big cities—either people who have recently moved to town, or just people looking for new friends to hang out with. I also want to mention that there are people of every age, gender, and sexuality at these groups—so don’t worry too much about being the odd one out.
There are meetups for hiking, going out to eat, visiting museums, and more. There are a ton of options for meeting people without having much (or any) alcohol around.
I also tried looking into some local addiction recovery groups but was disappointed to see that in my small city, there weren’t any good options. Despite this, I certainly think it would be a useful step to take in countries or cities that have more options available.
Meeting new people is step one, but the essential second step is following up and hanging out with them again.
Whenever I meet someone new here that I think I’d like to be friends with, I make it a point to get their phone number. I also make it a point to tell them early on that I’m sober—I feel like it takes the pressure off and helps me avoid having to come up with excuses not to go to bars.
Then, within the next week or so, I make sure to reach out to them (if they haven’t already reached out to me first.) Sometimes, potential new friendships fizzle out, but other times, we’re able to meet again and eventually start handing out regularly.
Most of the friends that I’ve made since moving are drinkers, but that doesn’t impede our friendship. They know that I don’t drink, and there are plenty of alcohol-free activities to do that we can all enjoy.
I’ve also managed to meet a couple of other non-drinkers, which is, of course, very helpful for maintaining sobriety. I didn’t meet them through recovery groups, but rather through the same meetups where I’ve met everyone else.
A couple of final thoughts on this topic:
First, making friends while sober isn’t easy, but it isn’t complicated either. The formula is pretty simple: Go to every meetup you can find, whether you feel like it or not (as long as they aren’t alcohol-related). Meet people, get their phone numbers, and make plans to hang out again.
Second: Making friends is not optional. It’s a necessary part of life, and it’s a necessary part of recovery. We might be able to white knuckle it alone in our apartments for a few months or a year, but if we’re going to stay sober long-term, we need to build a social life.