Jerks and Predators in the Recovery World
The people you meet in recovery aren't always friendly.
I’ve spent a lot of time in the alcoholism-recovery world. I’ve been sober for seven years, but I first started trying to get sober about fourteen years ago.
During that time, I’ve met more recovering alcoholics than I can remember, both in person and online. The vast majority of them have been friendly, helpful, and kind people. Some of the most selfless and caring people I’ve ever met have been recovering alcoholics.
Unfortunately, however, some of the worst people I’ve ever met have been recovering alcoholics too.
Although I normally like to focus on the positive aspects of sobriety, in this week’s newsletter I’m going to talk about one of the negative parts: the jerks and predators in the recovery world.
I’m writing this as a warning because newly sober people are often at their most vulnerable. I believe that it’s important to have a heads-up about the type of people that you may face in recovery spaces.
This isn’t meant as a critique of AA or any other specific program. In my experience, this is a problem that exists across the board.
Jerks
One of the most common harmful personality types that I’ve seen in the recovery world is the condescending old-timer. These are people who have been sober for years but treat everyone new to sobriety rudely.
I’ve met these condescending jerks at in-person AA meetings, and I’ve run across a ton of them on Reddit, and even in the replies to my blog posts on Medium.
They are the type of people who roll their eyes when others are talking, who talk dismissively about others behind their backs, and who act as if everyone new to sobriety is a total idiot for not knowing all the techniques and lingo.
I think they often justify their rudeness as “tough love,” when in reality they are just trying to inflate their egos.
The reality is that many alcoholics ran their lives into the ground with their drinking, and even after many years sober, they might still not be happy with how things are going. The recovery world gives them a chance to feel better about themselves, and unfortunately, they do it by tearing other people down.
In addition to these condescending types, many people in recovery are just mean and angry. I know because I was one of them.
I wrote about my anger issues in last week’s post, so you can check that out for more details: “Getting Sober and Getting Angry.”
The short version is that I had serious anger management issues before my alcoholism, during my drinking problem, and after it. I’ve worked hard to overcome these problems, but I was an angry (and mean) person during my first year or two sober.
Quitting drinking exacerbated the problem. Even though I realized that I was acting like a jerk, it took me a long time to stop doing it.
If you spend any significant amount of time in recovery spaces, you’re almost guaranteed to run into people who are mean to you. My best advice is to separate yourself from them as quickly as you can. Don’t buy into the idea that they are just “giving you tough love.” If it feels like someone is mistreating you, they probably are.
Predators
In addition to the jerks, there’s an even more serious problem that runs rampant in the recovery world: predators.
These are people who know very well that the newly sober are at their weakest and most vulnerable. These predators go after the newly sober specifically because they are in that state.
The most common version of this are the men who try to take sexual advantage of women who have just quit drinking. They know that these women are desperate for connection and help, and they use that knowledge to sleep with them. This is so common that there’s even a name for it: the 13th step.
And, although perhaps a little less common, this type of preying also happens between men and men and women and women.
It’s something to be extremely careful about when meeting people in the recovery world, especially if someone asks you to meet one-on-one. You need to ask yourself whether someone is trying to help you or just looking for a date.
In addition to this, some people prey on recovering alcoholics by trying to take their money. They sell snake oil in the form of expensive courses, endless rehab programs, and more.
This is something that I’ve honestly wrestled with a lot when monetizing my writing about addiction.
I know some people think I should make everything I write completely freely available. I don’t agree with that idea—I do freelance writing for a living, and I only have so much time and energy to spend on writing. By charging for my newsletter, I can afford to spend a little less time on freelance work and devote those hours to this. (And thank you, by the way, to everyone who subscribes and helps me to do this!)
I try to keep my writing as affordable as possible, and if someone wants to read a specific article but truly can’t afford it, I’m also happy to send a copy.
However, I also want to emphasize that if you want to quit drinking, you should never feel like you have to spend money to do so. There are a ton of free (or extremely low-cost) resources available. You should never feel like you’re getting suckered into paying for sobriety.
The Takeaway
What’s the lesson here?
It’s not to avoid other people entirely, but rather to be careful about it. If you recently quit drinking, you’re probably in one of the most vulnerable times of your life. If someone gives you a bad feeling, walk away. If it seems like someone is trying to rip you off, don’t pay.
There will be plenty of people out there willing to help you without acting like jerks or trying to take advantage of you.