Why I'll NEVER Have Another Drink
No matter how long I stay sober, I'll never trust myself with alcohol.
I’ve been sober for over eight years. That’s a long time to go without alcohol, especially for someone who used to get drunk every single night.
When I first quit drinking, I didn’t expect to make it this long. I specifically remember thinking that I would just try to get through one year and see how it went. Staying sober for the rest of my life sounded unrealistic.
Even making it just one year sometimes felt overwhelming. I often relied on the phrase “one day at a time,” to keep me going. I’d avoid worrying about whether I was going to have a drink tomorrow, the next week, or the next month, and instead, I’d put all of my focus into making it until bedtime without any alcohol.
That type of short-term thinking can be a useful tool during the early days of sobriety—even an essential one—but as I’ve gone longer and longer without alcohol, I’ve found it essential to also think more about my long-term plans.
To make it eight years without drinking, I had to stop just focusing on getting through the day. Instead, I had to accept, and even embrace, the fact that I’ll never have another alcoholic drink for the rest of my life.
That type of acceptance is easier said than done. Although it sounds like an obvious part of sobriety, it’s one that I didn’t fully accept at first.
As I wrote earlier, when I made my original decision to quit drinking, I was more focused on getting through the year than on overcoming my alcoholism permanently. In the back of my head, I still had the idea that I’d probably go back to drinking at some point.
It’s hard for me to get back into that mindset after so many years away from it. Why was I so reluctant to just quit for good? What was I hoping to achieve from a short-term break?
I’ve spent a lot of time reading about people who are trying to escape their drinking habits. Some people write about it as an addiction, others as a habit that has just gotten a bit out of control. The latter group often describes their decision to step away from alcohol as a “break” or needing a “reset.”
I’m sure that some of these people truly do just drink a little too much, and maybe for them, a short break really will help. However, I suspect that quite a few are actually alcoholics who are still in denial about the depths of their addictions.
I know that I could be accused of projecting a bit here, which is why I wouldn’t call out any specific individual who says they just need a short break. However, I’ve also known enough alcoholics to recognize that this is quite often the language that we use before admitting to ourselves that we have a more serious problem.
Returning to my case, at some point during my first year or two sober, I came to understand that I could never go back to alcohol. There wasn’t a single “light-bulb” moment of insight. Instead, it was a gradual, growing awareness of how bad my addiction had been—and how much better life might be if I remained sober.
I’ve come to better understand that whenever I drank alcohol, I always felt a compulsion to keep drinking more. Like other alcoholics, I could never stop with “just one drink.” Instead, I’d keep going and going, normally until I couldn’t drink anymore.
I also couldn’t cut down on the frequency with which I drank. For example, I couldn’t drink on weekends while abstaining during the week. Whenever I created rules like this for myself, I’d end up breaking them within just a few days.
To put it simply, my relationship with alcohol is an addiction. I’ve never had a moderate, healthy approach to the substance, and I never will.
I’ve heard of other alcoholics who go years sober and think that it’s finally safe for them to return to drinking. Inevitably, they go back to heavy drinking. I have no doubt that the same would happen to me.
Even after eight years without a drink, it’s all too easy to imagine my addiction coming back in full force. Maybe I could drink in moderation for a few weeks or even a few years, but eventually, my drinking habit would spiral out of control.
I’m confident about that because I’ve seen it happen to other alcoholics, and because it matches the pattern that I’ve had with alcohol for my entire life.
If you had told me eight years ago that I’d never have another alcoholic drink, I would have been terrified by the idea. It would have sounded like I was trapping myself in a boring, sober life, completely devoid of entertainment.
However, after so many years sober, I’ve also learned that my life without alcohol is infinitely more interesting and exciting than my life as a drunk ever was.
These days, when I say that I’ll never drink again, there’s nothing sad or bittersweet about it. The idea of never touching another alcoholic drink doesn’t make me feel trapped—it reminds me that I’m finally free.