When I quit drinking, I had a crippling fear of how others would react to my sobriety. I was very slow to tell anyone that I had gotten sober because I assumed that they would be judgmental.
I was embarrassed by my addiction, and that embarrassment extended to my sobriety. I realized that by telling someone I was sober, I was also implicitly telling them that I had been drinking too much. I was worried about the follow up questions they might have, and I was also nervous about what type of assumptions they might make.
The good news is that I've now been sober for nine and a half years, and I can count on one hand the number of times someone has responded negatively to my sobriety. Generally, the news is met with indifference. Occasionally, it's met with support, or with the other person telling me that hey are actually sober too.
Now for the bad news: Although it's been extremely rare for someone to react negatively to the fact that I'm sober, I have had many reactions that are weird and uncomfortable, and those reactions seem to be getting more frequent lately.
The most common “weird” reaction that I get is that the person I'm talking to gets very reflective and/or defensive about their own drinking habits. When I mention my sobriety, I try carefully to avoid ever framing it in a way that could feel like an accusation against drinkers. Despite that, I think some people take it that way.
I also wonder if some of those reactions actually are because the person has mixed feelings about their own drinking habits. Are they trying to convince me that they don't drink too much, or are they trying to convince themselves?
I'm happy to support friends and acquaintances who are worried about their drinking habits, but only when they clearly want to talk about it. When I get these weird reactions to my own sobriety, I try to just change the subject and move on. I think that in most cases, digging into someone's drinking habits is just rude and off-putting, and it'll only cause them to resent the sober person, not to actually seek help for themselves.
The other strange response that I've been getting lately is on the other end of the spectrum: effusive praise for my decision to quit.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that many of my friends and family are proud of my progress. The people who knew me as a drinker can see how far I've come since getting sober, and I love that they've supported me.
However, over the top support from strangers or acquaintances who just learned about my sobriety always ends up rubbing me the wrong way. The praise feels condescending and patronizing. They know nothing about my addiction or recovery, so it's weird if they go on about how impressive it is.
I hope by saying this I don't cause anyone to walk on egg shells. I think most reactions to sobriety are fine, and even a quick congratulations or compliment is appreciated. However, some people just go on and on about it. When that happens, I end up regretting even mentioning it.
I feel the same way about addiction as I do about many other mental health problems. I believe in being open about it, and I think that by doing so, we can help reduce the stigma. However, there's got to be some kind of balance.
The reason I've been getting more weird responses to my sobriety lately is because it's been coming up in a new context: online dating.
I had never really used dating apps before this year, and it's weird to think about how I should approach sobriety on them. On one hand, I know that it is a deal breaker for some women, so I'd like to be open about it from the start and avoid wasting anyone's time. On the other hand, it feels like a weird thing to open with, which only ends up inviting weird responses.
I've settled on a compromise of putting “doesn't drink” in the little section that asks about it, but only explicitly mentioning being sober when it comes up. I don't know if this is the best solution, but it's what I'm doing for now.
My final thoughts on this are simply that part of life is sometimes having awkward conversations. There is probably no way to be open about sobriety without occasionally getting negative or weird responses.
However, those responses are not nearly as bad as I once worried they would be. Once you've been sober for a few years and feel secure about it, it becomes surprisingly easy to laugh off other people's reactions. The important thing is that sobriety is helping us, regardless of what other people think.