My sobriety used to embarrass me.
I was slow to tell anyone that I had quit drinking. At first, I kept it secret from even my closest friends and family members.
The way I saw it, admitting that I was sober was an implicit admission that I was an alcoholic. To tell someone that I had quit drinking, I’d also have to tell them that I had been drinking too much.
I didn’t want anyone to know about the years of heavy daily drinking that had led up to my decision to get sober. I didn’t want them to know how badly my private life was going as a result of my drinking habit.
Sobriety felt like a defeat. I had tried to cut down on drinking again and again, but I just couldn’t do it. I worried that by getting sober, I was proving to myself—and to everyone that I told—that I was weak-willed and out of control.
In short, I was embarrassed by my sobriety because I was embarrassed by my addiction.
At least, that’s what I thought.
It’s true that I was embarrassed by my sobriety. However, when I look back on those early days, I now see that there was an even bigger emotion causing me to keep my sobriety a secret: I was scared.
I was reluctant to tell people that I had quit drinking because I expected to fail. I was terrified that I would tell all of my friends and family that I had gotten sober, only to relapse the next day.
Sadly, it’s an experience that I had gone through before. I remember bragging at a party about having been one week sober, only to buy a six-pack of beer on the way home. It was completely humiliating.
Not only was I worried that I might fail at sobriety, but I think there was also even a part of me that wanted to fail. As badly as I wanted to quit drinking, there was also a little voice in my head urging me to just keep going until I drank myself to death.
As long as I kept my sobriety a secret, I felt like I had an out. I could just slip back into drinking, and nobody would ever be the wiser.
If I started telling people that I had quit drinking, I was locking myself in. I’d either have to stick with sobriety, or I’d have to go through another humiliating round of telling people that I had fallen off the wagon.
Throughout the first couple of years after I quit drinking, I gradually began to tell more and more people about the decision. I began with my best friends and close family members. Then I told other friends, and eventually acquaintances and even coworkers.
In a way, I was right about the effects of opening up. It really did add to the feeling that I was “locked in” to my sobriety.
However, as I became locked in, I realized that I actually appreciated this type of accountability. It made it easier to stick with my sobriety when I knew that other people were aware of it.
Last year, after nearly seven years sober, I made one of the biggest changes of my life: I moved to a foreign country. My life was totally upended. I didn’t know a single person here and didn’t even speak the language all that well.
I made it a priority to make friends here. As I met new people, one of the first things that they learned about me was that I didn’t drink.
I didn’t beat around the bush about it. I didn’t tell them I was just taking a break or didn’t like the taste. I came right out and said that I had struggled with a drinking problem for over a decade, but had now been sober for years.
Of course, I tried my best to avoid the cliche of the sober person who never shuts up about it. However, I made sure to mention it once to just about everyone that I knew.
The reason that I was so persistent in sharing my sobriety was because I wanted to build accountability for myself here.
Even though I feel fairly confident about staying sober these days, I was worried that the move to a new country might shake things up. I figured that if more people knew about my sobriety, I’d feel more pressure to stick with it.
I wanted to know that if I fell off the wagon, someone would notice.
This strategy can help build the accountability to stay sober, and, if the worst-case scenario happened and I relapsed, it could help me to quickly get back to sobriety.
Unfortunately, not everyone can be as open about their sobriety as I am. Sadly, there are a lot of good reasons that some people need to keep their sobriety a secret.
However, for those of us that can open up, I think it’s best that we do. Not only will it help us to stay sober, but it can also provide inspiration for others who are trying to stay sober too.