Sobriety and Grief
More thoughts on my grandfather's recent passing.
In last week’s newsletter, I shared some sad personal news: My grandfather passed away. He had been the last of my grandparents, and his death hit me hard.
It’s now been about a week and a half since he died. As you can probably imagine, I’m still working through my emotions.
This is the first time that I’ve ever had to deal with grief while sober. A few distant relatives have died since I quit drinking, but none that I knew well. My grandfather was the first that I was truly close with.
As for my other grandparents, they all died over a decade ago, back when I was still a heavy drinker. I felt sad when each of them died, but the truth is that I didn’t spend all that much time thinking about it.
When I was a drinker, I coped with every negative emotion in the same way: I drank until I was drunk enough to forget about it. After each of my previous grandparents’ deaths, my drinking increased, but I did little else to mourn them.
It wasn’t until after I got sober that I began to think more about what it meant to have lost them. I remember years after I quit drinking, I finally was struck by the reality that I’d never see those grandparents again. It was a fact that I knew when I was a drinker, but that I avoided thinking about.
This time around has been completely different. Instead of forgetting my grandfather’s death as quickly as possible, I’ve sat with a difficult mix of emotions for the past week and a half–and I’m sure I’ll continue dealing with these emotions for a long time.
Most of all, I feel sad. Sad that I’ll never see my grandfather again, at least in this life. I also feel regret for not having tried to see and talk to him more often over the past few years. Mixed with that regret is a bit of guilt.
There are other emotions too, that I can’t quite figure out how to describe. The grieving process is complex, and I don’t know that it can always be put into words.
I’ve also been asking myself the practical question: How do I work through this?
There are so many things that I used alcohol for in life, that after getting sober, I often felt like I had to relearn basic skills from the ground up. I had to learn how to socialize without a drink. I had to learn to relax without a drink. Now I have to learn to deal with one of life’s harshest realities–death–without a drink.
I’ve spent a lot of time talking with relatives about my grandfather and about how we’re feeling. I’ve spent less time, but still some, talking about it with friends.
I’ve also done a lot of writing about my emotions. You saw last week’s newsletter, and now you’re reading this one. As is often the case, these newsletters serve a two-fold purpose: The first is to help fellow recovering alcoholics, and the second is to work through my thoughts and emotions. In addition to the newsletter, I wrote a bit about my grandfather in a private note for friends and family.
All of this talking and writing has helped me a lot. I’m a firm believer in externalizing my thoughts. What I mean is that it’s better to express what we’re thinking than to dwell on it.
When I let myself just think about my sadness, without expressing it, I find myself pushed back toward my addictions. When I say my thoughts aloud or write them down, that push disappears.
As basic as it may sound, talking and writing have been absolutely essential tools in my sobriety. Even now, seven years since my last drink, they continue to serve me well.
I’d like to end this week’s newsletter with a few thoughts about a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately: What positive purposes do negative emotions serve?
I know that if I relapsed and got wasted tonight, I’d probably manage to forget my grandfather’s death for a few hours. So why don’t I do it?
The obvious answer is that it’s not worth all of the other negative repercussions. I don’t want to throw my life away just so that I can stop grieving for a night.
But beyond that obvious answer, there’s a more subtle reply, which is that I actually want to grieve. As crazy as it sounds, I want to spend tonight feeling sad.
I don’t want to spend the next year, or the rest of my life, depressed over the death of my grandfather. However, spending a couple of weeks feeling sad seems totally fine, and even appropriate.
Why do I want to feel sad? I’m not exactly sure. Maybe it’s to honor his memory. Maybe it’s just the natural human reaction to death.
Some people treat life as if the only goal is to be as happy as possible as often as possible. I’ve never felt like that’s my purpose here in this world.
Happiness is great, but I want to experience the full range of human emotions, even the emotions that are painful.
With alcohol, my emotions always felt a little dulled. That goes for the negative and positive ones.
Since getting sober, I’ve been both happier and sadder than I was when I was a drinker. It might not be a perfect life, but it’s a far more complete one.