Is It Hard to Date While Sober?
I'm about to find out.
A common theme in my posts over the past month has been loneliness. I quit drinking about 9 years ago. I can say honestly and without hesitation that sobriety has massively improved my social life. However, it’s still not where I want it to be.
The main reason for that is that I’ve moved very frequently over the past few years. I went from the US, to Spain, to another city in Spain, back to the US, but this time in a brand new city, all over the course of just a couple of years. It’s impossible to maintain a healthy social life while moving that often.
I’m committed to staying put this time, at least for longer than I have been lately. Long term, I’m fairly confident that with time, my social life will get much better.
However, I’ve also been reflecting on the other reasons that I’m feeling lonely. It’s not just about my social life. It’s also about my romantic life.
The truth is that I don’t have all that much experience with dating while sober.
I was already in a relationship when I first quit drinking. When that relationship ended, I made a very intentional decision not to date for a few years so I could focus on my addiction recovery and improving other aspects of my life.
Finally, after a few years sober, I started dating again, but very quickly got into another long-term relationship. That relationship ended shortly before I moved to Spain, and I again decided to take a break from dating for a bit, this time to just enjoy life overseas.
But now I’m back in the US, and I’m feeling like I made a mistake by neglecting my romantic life. The first break, when I quit drinking, made sense, but I don’t think I really needed this more recent break.
However, I can’t change the past, so instead I’m focusing on the future. For the first time in my life, I’ve downloaded a dating app. I’ve already been on one date, and I’m going on another (but with a different person) tomorrow. It’s fun and exciting to put myself back out there.
As I start dating again, I’ve been thinking a lot about how sobriety will factor into my dating life. The woman I was dating when I first got sober rarely drank, and the woman I dated more recently was completely sober. I appreciated that, but I’m not sure how important it is to me now to find a non-drinker.
I certainly don’t want to date someone who drinks every night, or even close to it. But I think maybe an occasional drinker would be fine? Of course, I also would happily date someone who is sober, as long as they didn’t just quit drinking in the past couple of years.
I know for sure that I don’t want to be with someone for whom drinking alcohol is an important part of their life. Bartenders and wine enthusiasts are out. Ideally, I’d rather be with someone who doesn’t drink at all. One nice thing about meeting women off dating apps is that it normally says in their profile whether they drink or not. It’s made it surprisingly easy to find other people who are alcohol-free.
On top of these concerns, there’s the worry that people will be less likely to want to date me now that I’m sober. Fortunately, this doesn’t seem to be the case at all. Maybe it’s just because I’m new to the apps, but I’ve been shocked by how easy it is to find people and set up dates. I clearly have it in my profile that I don’t drink, and nobody seems to care at all.
This may vary at different ages, but I suspect that being sober makes people more attractive to as many people as it makes them less attractive. Sure, there are plenty of women who would have no interest in me after knowing I don’t drink, but it seems like there are even more who actually appreciate it.
My last big worry as I step back into the dating scene is that I’ll have trouble on the dates themselves without using alcohol as a “social lubricant.” I know that this is a silly concern, but it keeps popping into my head anyway.
Since I quit drinking, I’ve gotten way more confident and better at talking to people. But I haven’t had much practice flirting while sober. It’s a new skill that will probably take a little practice. I might feel embarrassed, awkward, or stupid the first few times I do it.
However, I know from experience that anything I was able to do while drunk, I can eventually learn to do much better while sober. So while the transition into dating again might not go smoothly, I’ll get through it.
It’s scary starting to date again after so long. I’m realizing that my romantic life has been a huge blind spot for me since I got sober, and I’m long overdue to correct things.
Overall, though, I’m more excited than I am scared. It’s fun and rewarding to meet new people, to try new things, and to push myself through uncomfortable situations.
I don’t know if getting back into the dating scene will be easy or tough, but I know that I’ll get through it, I’ll grow, and hopefully, before too long, I’ll meet a nice woman whom I can really connect with.