Getting Comfortable Talking About Sobriety
To quit an addiction, you have to learn to talk about it.
I still remember the first time that I ever admitted to anyone that I was drinking too much. I was in my early twenties, about a year out of college, and I was turning into a real degenerate.
Back then I worked from home as a freelance writer and barely left my apartment. I’d drink as much as a case of Bud Light every day. That’s a can an hour. I was also smoking well over a pack of cigarettes a day, which, surprisingly, bothered me far more than my drinking habit.
I tried to quit smoking again and again, but ignored the drinking problem. Eventually, I got so frustrated with trying to quit smoking on my own that I went to a therapist for help.
During my first visit, he asked me a wide variety of questions about my life, like how my social life was going, what I did for exercise, and why I wanted to quit smoking. Eventually, he asked if I ever drank.
I sheepishly admitted that I drank every day. He asked how much. When I told him, he was as shocked as I’ve ever seen a therapist.
He explained to me that if I kept drinking that much, I could literally die from alcohol poisoning any day. He recommended that I go to rehab, and I flat-out refused. We compromised and agreed that I’d start going to AA.
I think that this first time that I ever opened up about my drinking, it was a little easier because I didn’t realize quite how bad it was. Despite that, I was still extremely ashamed. It was hard to say out loud something that I had felt so much guilt and shame over for so long.
Those feelings got a lot worse when I went to my first meeting. I had severe social anxiety back then, so even a more innocuous meeting would surely have stressed me out. When I first started going to AA meetings, I was about as anxious as at any other point in my life.
It’s just such an incredibly uncomfortable experience. I had only ever seen meetings on TV and had no real idea of what to expect. Although some friends and family members were recovered addicts, I didn’t know it at the time. So, I just showed up alone to a room full of people I had never met, ready to talk about the most sensitive topic in my life.
What made that first meeting even stranger was that it was held at one of my childhood synagogues. Although it was held while the rest of the building was closed, I kept worrying that I’d run into the rabbi or someone else that I knew.
I can’t remember whether I actually spoke up at all in that first meeting or not. I don’t think that I did, but I do remember talking to several of the people after the meeting. They were great about giving me their numbers and making me feel welcome.
In future meetings, I definitely built up the courage to talk, although it was never comfortable. I never went to a single meeting without feeling anxious about it. However, despite that, I still found them helpful.
I think there’s a bit of wisdom in that: Overcoming our addictions isn’t always going to be pleasant. I’ve had to do a lot of things along the way that I didn’t like, but that still helped me to get sober.
With that said, those of you who are long-time readers of this newsletter already know that I didn’t end up sticking around. I eventually quit going to meetings, then relapsed. It wasn’t until years later that I finally stopped drinking for good.
Even this time around, talking with other alcoholics has proven incredibly helpful. I’ve spent a lot more time in forums, because it was easier for me to talk to people online than in in-person group meetings. I’m not saying this is the best strategy for everyone, but it helped me a lot.
I also spent a lot more time talking in person, but one-on-one, with other recovering addicts that I know.
I’ve been sober now for eight and a half years, and I truly don’t believe I could have done it if I didn’t keep talking and talking and talking about addiction. It’s the way that we process what we’ve been through, learn from others, and grow.
One of the final important lessons that I’ve learned is that it really helps to talk specifically to other people who have also quit drinking. Of course, there’s something to be gained from talking with people who have recovered from other addictions, or people who have never had an addiction. However, there’s something particularly powerful about speaking with someone who has gone through the exact same thing as me.
Fortunately, these days, it’s easier than ever to meet other recovering alcoholics. There are AA meetings, SMART meetings, and many other similar peer recovery groups. There are also chat rooms and forums (my favorite, as I’ve mentioned many times, is Reddit’s /r/stopdrinking). Thanks to these, even people with social anxiety can find someone to talk to.
My impression is that most addicts don’t like to start talking about their addictions. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable when I first started talking about alcoholism. The reality, however, is that it gets more comfortable the more you do it, and even when it’s uncomfortable, it’s probably still helping a lot.